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November 2004
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January 2005

Pick up a magnum for New Years

No, I didn't mean of champagne, I meant the latest marketing ploy from Trojan. I've seen several telivision ads for the Magnum condom. It's 15% larger and described as "long and wide like a stretch Limo, this lubricated ride ... has a tapered base to hold you in the seat". Available from Ripnroll (love that name). Or they have the XL - 30% larger, and 'designed for men who feel that current regular and large size condoms are too small".

Obviously, a need to be covered, for all those guys that claim they would love to use a "glove", but it just won't fit (not!). So now there's a bigger one - which any guy that wants to be cool is going to ask for. Buy extra's, leave them lying around to be impressive, even if it IS too big. Could be some accidents, I don't trust that tapered base bit:

  • hey baby that was great - OK - get off me now. Hey - you was going to wear somethin!
  • I did, you can trust me
  • well, where the hell is it?
  • oops, I think I lost it

The Meaning of Christmas

As opposed to the Meaning of Life - which we all know is 42.

(For all my non-Christmas oriented readers - please substitute your own significant event marked by crass commercialism, guilt, and over-indulgence)

I was trying to remember all those Christmas at the Walton's moments a good family is supposed to have, and drew a blank. I wondered if it was because I was senile or just didn't have a lot to remember. I called my sister to check, she doesn't remember us having a lot of traditions all together as a big happy family either. Which of course resolves the issue - either we are both senile or there's just not a lot there.
I suspect the latter, which is sad in a way, but I've managed to grow up slightly strange perfectly normal in spite of it, ignore the voices in my head, and build my own traditions. Even after I first separated and the kids were at their mom's over Christmas for the first few times- we just had it a week early at my place too. Then I went to my sister's and had a great time. Another year, alone at Christmas, I bought my own stocking stuffers, woke up "surprised" and was just fine.

I guess my point is rather simplistic. The meaning of Christmas is whatever we want to make it - there's no "correct" answer. And if you don't have a lot of traditions already - start some. They're the glue that binds together the generations in a family, whether it's singing carols together, pulling silly wind-up toys out of the stocking, or deciding who gets the Pope's nose.

Christmas Traditions

Warning - Possible Santa spoiler.

I've had a number of Christmas traditions over the years.

As a child I think what we used to do was go to midnight mass (being staunch Catholics) then go back and open ONE present and go to bed. You had to hope you picked a great one, and not socks or something. We'd get up in the morning and stampede for the tree to see what Santa had bought. After looking in the stockings - they were at the foot of the bed to keep us occupied when we woke up.

Then as we got older, my mom's friend started making Moose Milk for us all. Egg nog and brandy I think. Maybe a shot of rum too. Whatever it was, midnight mass got skipped.

When I had kids we had stockings with lots of fun little toys in them - little windup things and cool cars, nothing expensive. And those little figures with a tiny plastic parachute held on with thread. The stockings were often more fun than the real presents. As the kids got older they picked stuff to put in the stockings too. We started the one present before bed thing too. They would all be wrapped, under the tree, ahead of time. Except the Santa ones of course. They would appear by the tree in the middle of the night - unwrapped of course. Because Santa doesn't wrap his presents. Much less trouble that way.

When we separated the kids were young but we kept the same traditions - we co-parented back and forth weekly and took turns at Christmas - one place Christmas Eve, the other place the next day.

Once they grew up and moved out the plan changed to Christmas Eve my place, Christmas day their mom's and dinner there later. I go too, bring some wine, help to clean up. We still have Christmas crackers with little toys and tissue hats inside, and wear the hats through dinner, all in our finery.

We still do stockings, I serve tourtier and a salad and various nibblies, and we sit together and watch a Christmas movie. Last year was Anger Management, on my new DVD player. This year I've picked another family classic, Shaun of the Dead

So - what were/are your traditions at Christmas?